If Only In My Dreams...

Merry Christmas Internet,

Hard to believe Christmas has come and gone. I survived. 

Christmas time is always a bit painful for me.

Partially because it's a reminder of how my life has taken a different path than I had planned. (Not a worse or better plan, only different.) I always imagined by this time in my life I would be married with children. My family would have our own little home to decorate and fill with traditions and I'd be finished with school.

Sometimes I get bitter and sad. 

I don't have the husband, the kids or the home. 

(I do have TONS of people who love me, an internship *that's 1/2 way done* that I love and 24 kids who I adore! I really can't complain about that)

And then I kick myself, stop doing that, and try to find a way that I can fill that hole in my life and help someone else.

So, I "visited Santa" to make sure that all of my friends under the age of 10 got custom letters from the Jolly man himself. *Kris Kringle and I have VERY similar writing styles. WEIRD!

A few of my local favorites!

I made Gifts for all 24 of my kids. 

Hair Clips for the girls

I stayed up til the wee hours of the morning to make my kids rainbow Jello.

I made bread for all my friends at school.

Homemade Cinnamon Chip and White bread!

The Finished presents wrapped and ready to go!

When we went Christmas Caroling, we stopped at one of my kids' houses. I think he waved at me about 20 times while we were singing.

And I come to understand better, as I serve others, how much my Savior loves me. 

I Can Almost Taste It!

Internet.

I wrote lesson plans for 10 hours on Saturday. 10 HOURS. Today I turned them in along with 2 other major assignments. Here's all that I have left to do. I can almost taste the end of the semester.

Never mind all the acronyms, I don't know what half of them mean myself. haha!

Still no plans for my life, but at least I'm not dropping out of college this week!

Well, Now What?

Well Internet,

I just applied for graduation. Crazy. I really never thought this day would come. And now it's here and I'm terrified. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be finished, crossing something major off my list of life to dos. I won't graduate until May, and I still have a lot of homework to do before then. But then what? What do I do after graduation.

Still nothing feels right. Trying to have faith, but I kinda stink at that.

Someone want to make a life plan for me and just tell me what to do? I'd really be fine with that.

I'm Thankful For...

Hi Internet,

Happy November. Less than 3 weeks to Thanksgiving and only 8 university classes before the end of the semester! Holla! I decided I would decide to be thankful this month, because I really have a lot to be grateful for.

So, today, I am thankful for thoughtful people. People who find good in the world around them. One of my students made me this and I tried hard not to get choked up. She might be one of my favorites. It's easy to go to work when you get to be with kids like this.

Looks just like me no? The Dream houses in the background were from an art lesson I taught a few weeks ago that apparently this student loved. I also love the speech bubble of the students in the background.

Life is good.

What Next?

Hi Internet,

Can you believe October is almost OVER?! I can't! Thanksgiving is just a few weeks away and then Christmas, and before you know it... 2013.

So, I've been thinking and trying to figure out what next.

(This might be long, I feel a need to get somethings off my chest, apologies in advance.)

I went to my 10 year class reunion this summer. I was really dreading it, but a few good friends convinced me to go. I'm glad that I did. On graduation night we had a poster where we were supposed to write where we would be in the year 2012. It was painful to read what my naive 18 year old self wrote 10 years ago. I'm supposed to be married to a wealthy lawyer with 2 kids.

That has not happened.

It's been hard to mourn what I thought was going to happen. I still very much would love to be a wife and a mother. That goal is still first and foremost in mind. I have an overwhelming desire to be in the PTA and make Mickey Mouse Pancakes and go on dates with my husband to the Nutcracker.

But for whatever reason, that hasn't happened in my life.

For a long time I was angry and hurt that I haven't been blessed with those things in my life. I finally realized that I couldn't sit around and wait for those blessings to come to me, they may not come right away and waiting would be a waste.

So, I decided to go back to school. I found something that I love to do, that I'm great at, that consoles that hole in my heart that wants to have a family. I really love my job and my students.

But I've almost finished school, and now I have to figure out what next. I honestly never thought I would be in the position that I'm in, having to make the choices that I do. Remember, at graduation, I thought this would all be behind me in 2012. :) 

I wish I could say that I know exactly what to do. Have a plan. I always need to have a plan!

I'm fortunate in that I have limitless opportunities. I could pursue graduate degrees, I could teach in rural Alaska, I could teach in Fairbanks, I could teach anywhere else. (Except Georgia and Utah, cause they don't accept my teaching certificate.)

But none of those options feel 100% right.

And maybe that is because it's not time to make any decisions. I really hope that's the case, because I graduate in May and I'm going to need to make SOME decision. haha

So, right now I have to have patience and exercise a little faith.

I'm so bad at that.

I'm an instant gratification kinda gal. I like instant streaming on Netflix and instant pudding.

So, I've been trying to wrap my head around what having faith looks like. How do I put it into practice in my life. 

So, I'm gonna keep moving, and trust that the Lord has a plan for me.

Because I Love Those of You Who Don't Live Across The Pond

Hi Internet,

My nose is healing well. I think I'm gonna make it out without any major scarring. WHEW!

I've been meaning to post this, but I keep forgetting/run out of time.... So, here it is.

Remember how I LOVE Downton Abby? 

 And it's like my favorite show?

 And we've had to wait SOOOO long to see what happens to Mary and Matthew?!

Remember how you thought you'd have to wait til Janruary 2013 to find out? 

WRONG! 

It's playing right now in the UK! YES!! I've been watching with my friend HERE, and it's GOOD! 

You're Welcome!

You may send your thanks in the form of well wishes, prayers for me finding a husband and naming first-born children after me.

You May Call me Humpty Dumpty

Hi Internet,

Remember that one time that I posted yesterday, but had a little accident so I decided to post twice in one month. Yes, today is that day.

So, this morning, I slept in, as I usually do and my mom came to wake me up. (Because she's a good mom like that.) Well, as she was walking downstairs she slipped and screamed, so I lept out of bed, covers all over the floor to help her. I got to her, had her bend her leg to make sure nothing was broken, grabbed her hand to help her up. The next thing I remember, I was waking up with my head on the floor and my feet on the stairs asking my mom "am I asleep?"

Apparently, I got up too quickly, passed out, fell down a flight of stairs and broke my fall with my face. And in the process broke my nose. 

This would be me, shortly after the incident.

Lovely huh?

The irony of it all was JUST last week I was telling my friend how paranoid I am of breaking my nose (after he threw something at my face) I must have jinxed myself. 

On the plus side, I think the boys in my class might find my battle scars to be extra spooky/cool for Halloween, no?