I Might Not Be Cut Out for This...

Hi Internet,

So, I was talking to a friend last week and came to the realization... I probably picked the worst career for myself. Allow me to explain:

- Occupational hazards such as lice and whooping cough. (True life, they have those across the hall, I've threatened my kids with their lived if they share hats or don't wash their hands with soap.)

- Working 70 hours a week.

- Crying every day about the difficult challenges my 5 and 6 year old students are facing.

-Wanting to take my kids home at the end of the day because I know their lives are rough.

My conversation with my friend went a bit like this:

Me: I'm going to need to get married sooner rather than later, cause I am so not cut out for working full-time and I kinda want to take all my kids home everyday.

Friend: laughs

Me: No. Serious.

Friend: Yeah, but that's what makes you so great at it, because you care.

Blah, blah. That' doesn't change that I can't look at one of my kids without tearing up. And this whole waking up early is totes cramping my style.

But, there are a few perks to my job.

-Getting a billion school pictures of myself as a grown lady... (weird)

-Being surrounded by kids who think knock knock jokes are HILARIOUS.

-Introducing my kids to 90's treasures such as "Reading Rainbow" and Cassette Tapes

-My kids will dance on command.

-I get called Mom daily and then get to reassure their horrified looks that it's ok.

-The girls who tell me they love me every morning when I call attendance.

-Hearing my kids (upon realizing I'm losing my patience with the class) say "Don't make her turn into Viola Swamp!"

 -The things my Russian kids say, like when I ask if any of them have seen anyone get hurt on the playground:

Russian Student (With THICK Russian Accent):  Yes. Thees one time I'm playing soccer and he keek thee Bol, he's keeking, he keek me in the bols!" (Points at his crotch) 

Russian Student's Cousin: Yes. Keek him in the bols! (Points at his crotch) 

Me: Uh, I'm sorry. I bet that hurt.

Russian Student: KEEK ME IN THE BOLS! (Still pointing)

-Trying not to laugh when every class discussion makes me feel like I'm in one of these commercials: 

Seriously, in math we had to talk about quantities  that are more and less. And the class discussion was almost like this verbatim.

I love my kids. Maybe too  much. I do love my job. But it's a lot more emotionally involved than I had imagined.

I SURVIVED!

Internet.

I'm back in civilization! Well, almost civilization. At least I have power! But no cell service yet. So many stories. So many picture. So much homework to finish.My week in Napaskiak was an amazing life changing experience, I'm glad I went! Now I just hope that the planes will fly so I can get HOME!

Stay Tuned!

-Me

How My Online English Class ALMOST Ruined My Life

Hey Internet,

So, I alluded to this earlier in the week and I realized I hadn't written the story down, and this is one that I didn't want to forget. So apologies if this one bores you. And it's long. Sorry.

So, in order for me to graduate in May (squeal!) and start my Internship last August I needed to take an upper division writing class. The classes they offered through my school were lame (Alaska Native Literature, no thank you!) So, I decided to take the class online through BYU at the suggestion of my UAF advisor. I registered for the class in March of 2012, while I was finishing my load classes and packed semester. I had every intention of finishing it in the summer.

Well, then my summer Chemistry class happened and that just didn't work as I had planned. But it was ok, I had finished my last online BYU English class in just a few weeks, this would be no problem, right? WRONG!

July 1. Finished Chemistry and decided to start my online class. Early American Literature. 20 open book quizzes and 4 response papers...so. I . thought. Those 4 response papers were actually 10 pages each! PLUS a final project proposal paper. AH!

But, I started the quizzes. Quiz #1, had the book open on my kindle app, it's a multiple choice quiz, I test well, I figured I could do it. Easy Peasy. Took the quiz. 72%. Meh, not bad, I didn't really try that hard. Next quiz I'll try harder.

Quiz 2: Read the section, had it open, took the quiz, felt confident...submit. 40% For reals? Ok, got to try MUCH harder on this next quiz.

Quiz 3: Read the section out loud, looked up answers on literary criticism sites (not just wikipedia here friends) tried my hardest. Legit studying here people. Submit. 25% You've GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! There was no rhyme or reason to these answers. In fact, the feedback on some questions was "upon a superficial reading, you may get this answer, look again." GRRR

Quiz 4: So, by now I'm pissed. I yell, "I bet it doesn't even matter if I try!" Click, Click Click, didn't read, just picked random answers. Submit. 70%

THIS. IS. BOGUS!

I tried Emailing the professor, but the link wouldn't work, so I E-mailed BYU, they forwarded my concerns to the professor. I told him I was having a hard time with the quizzes, I was studying and my grades were horrible. He assured me that the quizzes were a bit goofy and that a majority of the grade would be based on my written responses, don't give up, keep trying.

Well, a few more failed quizzes and I wanted to quit.

Now, keep in mind that by not passing this class by August 9 I wouldn't be able to do my internship, I would have to wait until fall 2013, I wouldn't graduate and basically I would have to be a janitor for the rest of my life. I decided this was going to have to happen. Because I was hating the Scarlet Letter, Last of the Mohicans, and all the other dead Pilgrim books I had to read. I felt defeated and didn't do anything for 2 weeks.

BUT, since my mom has no desire to have me living with her forever, she told me failure was not an option. My ENTIRE family rallied around me. We all read books, while I was frantically writing papers, my aunt, mom, cousins and siblings were looking up quiz answers online. Oh, and you can retake quizzes for $10 a quiz. So, Daddy Warbucks handed over his credit card so I could buy a passing grade on the quizzes, $130 later we had inched my quiz grade up to a 74%

Oh, and the timing. I had to have all the lessons done before I could take the final, which had to be mailed to Alaska and mailed back to Utah BEFORE August 9... Yeah, that takes 2 weeks, which I DIDN'T have.  Luckily, it just happened to coincide with my trip to Utah, so I could take my final before my roommate reunion on August 6.  Talk about cutting it close!

So, the day before I flew to Utah on August 4 I finished all the quizzes and had all but one paper written, and submitted but not graded. I had no idea how this professor was going to grade these, and NO clue if I was going to fail. Once you take the final you can't make any changes to anything else, so  I was really putting faith in God that this was going to work out. And some of my papers were really bad. I mean I wrote a paper about slaves walking freely on a ship when the story was ACTUALLY about mutiny on a slave ship. (That was the last one and after writing 40 pages your brain gets a bit fried)

I submitted my final paper at 2 am and was EXHAUSTED. I decided I would take the exam the next day. I also Emailed the professor and told him I was in town from Alaska and wanted to talk to him about my grade. I waited for a response and updated grades. Nothing.

August 6, Still nothing from the professor. I decided that I should wait to see if I get an E-mail back from him before taking my test. If I didn't hear back from him I would take the test on the 7th.

10:30pm August 6, professor E-mailed back saying my email had gone to his spam folder and he had office times available on the 8th if I wanted to come in then. I decided I would take my test immediately after meeting him and then head to my reunion. Still 1 day before the deadline.

August 7. Checked grades online, instructor had graded all 40 pages of my work. I had a solid B. I was ABSOLUTELY going to pass the class! I cried. I called my family. I knew that all my prayers hadn't been in vain.

August 8- I went to the professor's office. Now keep in mind I had been really cursing this guy for such an impossible class, but I knew my grade was secure, so I just wanted to thank him for grading my papers so quickly.

Internet, Keith Lawrence is the KINDEST man ever! 

I walked into his office and he asked why I had flown all the way to Alaska to see him. I explained my situation, the internship, the pressed deadlines, the family quizzes. He looked at me and said, "WOW. You did all of this in a month? I told him yes. I would love to see what you could have done with more time, because that is AMAZING work, knowing your situation. You will do fine on the final, you're a strong writer and you had some really great ideas about themes and concepts in the works you studied."

I got teary. 

As I left his office he congratulated me on my success in the course and wished me luck in my internship and on the exam I was going to take right then. And then "Tell your family nice work on the quizzes!"

I got a 90% on the final. And a B in the class overall.

This year I have really learned that God has plan for my life. There was NO way I should have passed that class. But because of my family and divine help, I did. I was able to overcome that obstacle and I am on the path to a career that I love. I know that God knows and loves me and hears and answers my prayers, even when they're about something insignificant as an online English class.

I'm Thankful For...

Hi Internet,

Happy November. Less than 3 weeks to Thanksgiving and only 8 university classes before the end of the semester! Holla! I decided I would decide to be thankful this month, because I really have a lot to be grateful for.

So, today, I am thankful for thoughtful people. People who find good in the world around them. One of my students made me this and I tried hard not to get choked up. She might be one of my favorites. It's easy to go to work when you get to be with kids like this.

Looks just like me no? The Dream houses in the background were from an art lesson I taught a few weeks ago that apparently this student loved. I also love the speech bubble of the students in the background.

Life is good.

What Next?

Hi Internet,

Can you believe October is almost OVER?! I can't! Thanksgiving is just a few weeks away and then Christmas, and before you know it... 2013.

So, I've been thinking and trying to figure out what next.

(This might be long, I feel a need to get somethings off my chest, apologies in advance.)

I went to my 10 year class reunion this summer. I was really dreading it, but a few good friends convinced me to go. I'm glad that I did. On graduation night we had a poster where we were supposed to write where we would be in the year 2012. It was painful to read what my naive 18 year old self wrote 10 years ago. I'm supposed to be married to a wealthy lawyer with 2 kids.

That has not happened.

It's been hard to mourn what I thought was going to happen. I still very much would love to be a wife and a mother. That goal is still first and foremost in mind. I have an overwhelming desire to be in the PTA and make Mickey Mouse Pancakes and go on dates with my husband to the Nutcracker.

But for whatever reason, that hasn't happened in my life.

For a long time I was angry and hurt that I haven't been blessed with those things in my life. I finally realized that I couldn't sit around and wait for those blessings to come to me, they may not come right away and waiting would be a waste.

So, I decided to go back to school. I found something that I love to do, that I'm great at, that consoles that hole in my heart that wants to have a family. I really love my job and my students.

But I've almost finished school, and now I have to figure out what next. I honestly never thought I would be in the position that I'm in, having to make the choices that I do. Remember, at graduation, I thought this would all be behind me in 2012. :) 

I wish I could say that I know exactly what to do. Have a plan. I always need to have a plan!

I'm fortunate in that I have limitless opportunities. I could pursue graduate degrees, I could teach in rural Alaska, I could teach in Fairbanks, I could teach anywhere else. (Except Georgia and Utah, cause they don't accept my teaching certificate.)

But none of those options feel 100% right.

And maybe that is because it's not time to make any decisions. I really hope that's the case, because I graduate in May and I'm going to need to make SOME decision. haha

So, right now I have to have patience and exercise a little faith.

I'm so bad at that.

I'm an instant gratification kinda gal. I like instant streaming on Netflix and instant pudding.

So, I've been trying to wrap my head around what having faith looks like. How do I put it into practice in my life. 

So, I'm gonna keep moving, and trust that the Lord has a plan for me.

Dear Santa

Hi Internet!

Only 9 more post-it's and 12 days til Christmas!!

So you maybe didn't know but I am pretty tight with Santa. He lives right by me!

It's really cool because when children mail letters to the North Pole they come to our post office and there is a local program that replies to the letters. This year we volunteered to answer letters.

Some kids are just rotten and send 3 page lists of what they want, like the boy who sent a list of 45 things and said "Dear Santa, please bring me at least 10 of these things."

Or the little Jewish girl who said her parents wouldn't let her celebrate Christmas but she BELIEVES in Santa.

Or the little girl who wrote over 2 pages of questions ranging from "Do you prefer milk or root beer with your cookies? Do you really deliver all those presents? How many kids are on the naughty list? Did you deliver presents to Jesus and his disciples? How long have you been Santa? Do you have any kids? What is Mrs. Claus' first name??"

Hahahahahahaha!! Yep, and many more!

But so many of the letters were heartbreaking. Children writing asking for gifts for their families who can't afford warm coats for winter. Or the little boy who said all he wanted for Christmas was for his autism to go away.

I sobbed.

But then I remembered that December 25th is not about presents or even giving.

Christmas is about Jesus Christ. The savior of the world who knows and love each of us, from the little autistic boy to the girl with all the questions. Christ, born into humble circumstances, lived a perfect life and paid for the sins of all mankind. His infinite atonement covers our mistakes and our heartaches. He is able to succor his people according to the flesh, so when we feel so all alone, there's one person who knows exactly how we feel.

So while I can't give those children the gifts on their lists I hope and pray that they can find peace in the Savior of the world.

Why I haven't blogged in a month

Hi Internet!

Apologies for ignoring you for a month! The semester is almost over!!! Taking 19 credits has been ROUGH! In fact, this is the list of EVERYTHING I have to do before December 17. Oy!

But I will survive! 14 days to go!

Wish me luck!

So True. So True.

Hi Internet,

Me again. Just listening to my free audiobooks and going to school. Guess what. I got an A in my Alaska History class that was kicking my trash. HOLLA! I'm super stoked!

I finished listening to The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd.

I'd seen the movie. I try to read books before I watch the movie, but sometimes I cheat. This is one of those rare cases. (I still won't see My Sister's Keeper because I haven't read the book yet. Haha) I really enjoyed the book. As most cases I liked it better than the movie, which I also loved. There was some language (period related) but overall a great read.

But that's not what I wanted to blog about..... That's boring.

I found this quote on Pinterest (Remember I'm obsessed with Pinterest.) that has been really life changing for me this week.

Source: bitsotruth.blogspot.com via Krystal on Pinterest

LOVE IT!!!

I can't tell you how many times I have felt like because I wasn't in a relationship there was something wrong with me. I knew getting married was easy. I mean people do it everyday. What's not easy, requires patience and faith is waiting. Waiting for the right person at the right time.

I've been learning to love the place that I am at in my life. 

Things are going great.

I've run 3 races this summer, gone back to school, made the Dean's List, had an incredible job and really worked on improving myself.

I am grateful for this time I have to be single. I never thought I would ever say that. 

EVER

But I am. I've been able to make myself a whole person, so that when and if the time comes, I can be a contributor to a relationship, not just a taker. Not to mention the life experiences I'm gaining during this time.

So, woo hoo for being single and strong enough to WAIT.

"There are Strange Things Done in the Midnight Sun"

Hi Internet,

Guess what I just did? Oh, that's right, I just finished a 10K. Say WHAT?! I know! There were a few minutes when I didn't even think I could do it myself. But everytime I saw a mile marker, I knew I was that much closer to crossing something off my list. I am a little t'd because the last half of the race I slowed  waaaay down. But, I finished, and I finished under two hours. Next summer. Under an Hour. Hold me to it please.

There was a way cool minute around the 5th mile when this song came on my iPod.

And I got a little teary.

I realized in that moment that last year I would not have been able to finish the Midnight Sun Run. And this year I've made choices to make a good life. This can, and will "be a good life."

Here's to next summer!

10. Run the Midnight Sun Run

Now if you'll excuse me. I'm going to take some tylenol and crash. Happy Summer Solstice!

"Y'know, 'those who can't do, teach?' Well those who can't wed, plan."

Hi Internet!

So, I was looking at my refrigerator the yesterday, and it looks at though marriage has thrown up on it as it is covered in Wedding announcements, which do not misunderstand me, Marriage is wonderful, and I'm definitely pro, and one day I hope to marry... but I fear that I'll probably be one of THESE brides. I've apologized to my family in advance. I am who I am. haha (I'm not that bad. I promise.)

But this is my philosophy.

I only plan on getting married once. My wedding is going to be a big deal. I'm gonna throw a fantastic party, if that means I'm particular about a few things, deal with it.

Since I am so passionate about weddings and such, and since I am NOWHERE near being married (remember, just the idea that I might like a boy is a fate worse than death apparently) I feel it my civic duty to give you:

Wedding Etiquette.... According to Krystal

1. Because this is a special day, one of great importance to the bride and groom, would it kill you to change your clothes? Unless the invite says "Casual Attire" or the wedding is being held at a bowling alley, Jeans and T-shirts are not acceptable. Men: Comb your hair, put on a shirt with buttons and some dress pants. Ladies: dresses/skirts preferred or at least slacks. Remember, you are a guest to one of the greatest days in someone's life. Dress the part. If you look like the Gogan's from Pete's Dragon, you won't be let in to my wedding.

2. Bubbles= TACKY. Sorry, I know they're cheap and whimsical, but I won't be having bubbles at my wedding send off. I've got something else up my sleeve, but you'll have to wait to see if I get married to find out what it is. But, believe you me, there will be NO bubbles. Bubbles are for baths or sunny days in Kindergarten. And I've heard that the bubbles can stain wedding dresses which is NOT ok by me.

3. Expect a Thank You Note, cause they are classy. Classy people send thank you notes because they know that the card doesn't just mean thanks for the salad spinner, it means thank you for being a part of my life, thank you for helping me become the person who I am and for coming to my special day. Yeah. And you just thought it was waste of stamp. Not so much.

4. Remember how this is MY party? Well, that means that there will be delicious food. This also means that there will be beautiful decor, and crock pots will NOT match. Also, please don't plan on eating little smokies swimming in BBQ sauce, cause there won't be any at my reception. Perfect for a Super Bowl party but not so much for the biggest day of my life. Also, while I'm on the topic, I think chocolate fountains have made their way out. I wouldn't plan on them anymore, that was so 2004. Oh, and don't be wasteful, someone's paying good money for that food.

5. There will be no no basketball hoops in my wedding pictures. I know that many marriages have survived with basketball hoops in the wedding pictures, but I refuse. Go ahead. Call me a snob. But let me give you my reasoning. I know that the church house is cheap free. But by the time I buy 5 million years of tulle to cover the basketball hoops, I probably could have spent that money on a really nice location that I don't have free throw lines on the floor. I recognize that if when I get married I'll have to compromise on somethings, but the church gym will be a deal breaker. 

Well, there you have it. I have MANY more thoughts/opinions/better ideas than commonly practiced wedding ideas, but I'll save those for another blog. (Depending on the response I get on today's rantings)

In the meantime, here's a link to my favorite blog dedicated to fancy and classy weddings!

What do you think about wedding receptions?

*This post is directed at NO ONE. If you have ever talked to me you know that these are deeply held convictions that I have had since I was a little girl. Promise. Don't hate me if you love crock pots and basketball hoops. I'm just showing a better way to live. ;)

What is Wrong With Me????

 Happy Daylight Saving Internet,

So, I've asked myself this question probably a million times. What is wrong with me? Why am I not in a relationship? Why do no boys like me? Is my liking a boy a fate worse than death for him??

For awhile I came up with a million excuses.

Now, I realize the answer is there's nothing wrong with me.

I'm me. 

I'm opinionated, musical, thoughtful, articulate, smart, funny, caring, creative, talented and good.

These are great qualities. I've worked hard to develop them and there are many other qualities I still need to develop.

The reason I'm not married is 2 fold: 

1. It's my time to be single. 

2. No one has asked me to marry them.

I read this article today and I really liked this part:

When do we marry? Surely in a Church manual somewhere there must be a specific year for that! Well, there isn’t. Matters of marriage are much more personal than a pre-published celestial calendar would allow. And so our anxiety level leaps.

We would encourage you not to rush things needlessly and unnaturally. Nature has its rhythms and its harmonies. We would do well to fit ourselves as best we can with those cycles rather than frantically throwing ourselves against them. Be calm, be patient, be happy with the season you are in.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

I feel like EVERY single woman I know needs to hear this. To live it. Stop frantically throwing yourself against life and be happy with where you are in life! 

Quit trying to bake a souffle in 5 minutes when you really just need more time.

That's my two cents for the day. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to bed before Benjamin Franklin robs me of an hour of sleep.

My 26th Year

Happy Birthday Internet!

Yep, it's my birthday! I'm almost finished with my 27 before 27. Which got me to reflecting on this past year in my life. It has been a wonderful year. So, I share with you....

26 Things I Did in my 26^th Year

1. Went to Oregon to take care of Grandma

2. Visited Bandon, Oregon and fell in love

3. Redecorated my bedroom

4. Went back to College

5. Started the online class I need to finish my Associates Degree

6. Earned a 4.0 GPA

7. Went to a movie all by myself

8. Learned to see myself more accurately

9. Got a job doing something I love

10. Figured out what mascara I love

11. Started Couch to 5k- over ½ way finished!

12. Mended Relationships with family members

13. Got on a more normal sleep pattern

14. Sang in public

15. Major Ah-Ha moments

16. Went to the temple

17. Made a red velvet cake from scratch

18. Passed on Groundhog Day traditions to my kindergartners

19. Fixed my favorite Turquoise Earrings

20. Read for pleasure

21. Learned how to make Artisan Bread

22. Made new friends

23. Learned how to say no

24. Learned about my Great-Grandmother

25. Made Homemade Christmas gifts

26. Realized I can be happy and single.

A few things I would tell my 18 year old self...

Internet!

Guess what?! This is my 150th post! Woo Hoo! I've decided when I get to 200 posts I will do something fantastic like a giveaway... so stay tuned!

So, I went to lunch with a friend this week and we were talking about life and how it seldom turns out how you want it to, but almost always how you NEED it to. Which got me to thinking about my life. I don't think I would change anything in my life, but maybe if I could just go back in time, I would pass on some wisdom I have learned to my 18 year old self....



*Play hard, but don't let your grades suffer. This college thing is costing you a pretty penny. You'll thank me 8 years from now when you decide to go back to school. But, have fun! Freshman year of college will be filled with wonderful memories and amazing friends, you won't be the person you need to be without those friends.

*Pick a dang major and stick with it. And quit switching schools and loosing all your credits.

*Put on some make-up, you look homely without it.

*And while we're on the topic, those blond highlights will be a bad idea.

*Just because you go on a date with a boy doesn't mean you're getting married. hahaha. Oh, if only I knew now what I knew then. Man, I was certain that I would be married by the time I was 21. That obviously didn't happen. :) There's nothing wrong with you just because you don't marry the boy from Junior year. You'll survive.

*Be happy with what you have right now. I've realized this week that I'm happier than I've been in a long time. I'm still single, broke and going back to school. But what I'm realizing is that I'm finding happiness IN my circumstances, not outside of them. I CAN be happy and single. I have found the more I involve myself in service, the happier I am. The less I focus on what I don't have the more I am able to focus on the blessings that I do have.

So, dear 18 year old Me, your little plan of being graduated and married and a mother by the time you're 24 may not happen, but I can tell you this.... Your life is pretty great!

Last time I checked this was NOT ok...

Hey Internet,

So, I just survived a crazy week with 2 tests, 2 papers, work and about a billion other things going on all at the same time. Feeling pretty good about that accomplishment.

What I don't feel good about is something that I have been seeing at school.

I want you to know that I have seen this more than once. With more than one victim, and on different days.

As you are aware, I live in Alaska. Interior Alaska, which is virtually a cold desert. Not a lot of rain. And we just started getting a few snowflakes, but nothing to be overly concerned about. Which is why I'm quite disturbed when I see girls at school romping around in THESE...



Now, I know what you are thinking, they are being prepared for the elements, blah blah blah.

WRONG!

These ladies are wearing XTRATUFs, with their jeans tucked in....as a FASHION STATEMENT.

I'm pretty sure Tim Gunn would NOT be ok with this, because I certainly am not.

Rain boots are only acceptable in the following situations:

1. It is pouring rain.



2. You are 5 years old and splashing in puddles.



3. You are camping.



Yes, that is me, front and center. Camping AND wearing rain boots. Probably will never happen again, but it did happen once.

4. You own a pair of cute boots, such as these.


4. You are a fish monger.



5. You are a deck hand for one of the Deadliest Catch crews...



Which isn't a real excuse cause that show drives me CRAZY cause it's the same thing every week... do they catch crab, do they not catch crab? It will be one of the two endings, every time. Promise.

But by all means do NOT wear them to be stylish.

There you go. Now you know when you may wear your galoshes.

Because I Care....

Oh Hey Internet,

Just thought I would pass on a bit of wisdom...

When it comes to Facebook....

Just because you TAKE a picture, doesn't mean you HAVE to post it on facebook.

Not all pictures are created equally.
Thank goodness for the miracle of digital cameras if a pic is blurry, just delete it. If you look bogus, delete it. If you cut someone's head off, photoshop it or delete it. If you take a picture of me and I look RIDICULOUS, please delete it.

But please.

Whatever you do....

DO NOT post it on facebook for the world to see! :)

You are welcome.

I've Changed My Mind

Hi Internet,

I just thought you would like to know that I have changed my mind. When I grow up, I don't want to be a teacher. Pish Posh.

When I grow up, I want to sell textbooks for ridiculous amounts of money to poor college kids and be filthy rich! Buwahahahahahaha! (Evil Laugh)

NOT.

Just thought you'd like to know I bought my books and I'm going to have to sell a kidney to pay for them. Any takers???

Getting Good

Hi Internet,

So, I've been hinting about this post for awhile, and I couldn't sleep... so I decided to bite the bullet and write it. AND, I said I would on Sunday, and I guess technically it's still Sunday in Hawaii, so I'm good right?

Well, as you probably remember I was in Oregon for 4.5 months. Helping my Grandma, caring for her Grandma, helping clean out her house and finish up her affairs. However, the main reason I went to Oregon was for me. A chance for me to get away, a chance to refocus, a chance to start over, a chance to realize who I really want to be and put that into action.
Don't get me wrong, I have wonderful people and opportunities in my life. But, underneath the happy face was someone who was really hurting. And so, I was able to really re-evaluate who I was and where I wanted to be.
And about a week before I left Oregon, it hit me.

I was sitting in the hammock thinking...


Yes, this was my view from the hammock. Go ahead, be jealous.


And I was like you know, I am done waiting for my life to "GET GOOD." All my life I had been under the impression that happiness was just around the corner. Like I would be happy after I graduated High School, or after the semester was over, when I got a new car.... and most importantly, I would finally be happy when I got married. (Disclaimer: Please don't get me wrong, I still absolutely would one day like to be married and have a family, please keep reading before you post about me giving up on my dreams.)

So, while I was thinking on the hammock I was like well that's just stupid. I have amazing opportunities right now. I'm going back to a clean slate... I can kind of do whatever I want to!

I'm done waiting for my life to get good... I'm going to MAKE it good!

I am choosing to live my life, and make it good!

I want to travel the world and see people and places, so one day when I am a mother or a teacher I can tell about my experiences.

I want to help people because I have the time and ability to do so.

I want to go back to school and finish what I started. Yeah, totally called BYU-Idaho and guess who should have her associates in a few months... Yep! This Girl!!

I want to try new things and have experiences.

And hopefully, by doing this, I'll become the person my Heavenly Father wants me to be, whether that be a mother or an elementary school teacher or just a great woman... I want to do all I can to get there!

So, there you have it internet, my formula for being happy with who I am NOW!

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, I Love you, I Love You, I Love You!

Hi Internet,

Well, it's been over a month since Grandma has been gone. My Aunt and I have started to get around to emptying her apartment and going through her belongings. I would be lying if I said it wasn't difficult. My Grandma wasn't wealthy by any means, and she didn't have many valuables. I'm realizing that the things that mean the most to me of my Grandma's can't be put in boxes.


Surprisingly, the hardest room in the house for me to go into is the bathroom. Towards the end of her life Grandma didn't leave her room much and when she did it was to go to the bathroom, and she couldn't walk so we basically had to carry her. One of us would go to the side of her bed and she would put her arms around your neck and whisper, "Thank you! Thank You! Thank You! I love you! I love you! I love you!" (Cause saying it once wasn't nearly as effective) :) And we would slowly shuffle the 15 feet to the bathroom.

While uncomfortable for her, that hug and 15 steps were the best part of my days.

My Grandma taught me a valuable lesson, that we are only as happy as we are grateful, and that even when life is hard, we can serve by letting people know we care. The day before Grandma died I sat by her bed and told her that I think she saved my life. Before I went to Oregon I wasn't quite sure what I was going to do. My job had ended, I had to move out of my apartment, I had no plan, and felt pretty worthless. So, I went to visit my family and use up some frequent flyer miles. I ended up staying longer than planned cause I thought Grandma needed me.

In hindsight, it was me who needed her.

When I felt like a failure, Grandma thought I was wonderful. When I hadn't showered for days and was in pajamas, Grandma told me I was beautiful. She saw REAL me. The one who wasn't putting on the show... She saw me like Heavenly Father sees me. Full of potential, not a looser, A Child of God with infinite possibility. She saved my life.

Now that she's gone, the challenge is to become the woman my Grandma already thought I was. Big shoes to fill, but I hope I can do it.

Thank you Grandma, I love you.

Just My Luck

Hey Internet,

A few points of business.



1. I bought my return ticket. I'm going home on June 25. Yep. Ticket is purchased. It's strange, I feel nervous to go home. I mean I was only planning on being gone 3 weeks.... not 4 months. I've really grown to love it here, and I feel like I've really grown here myself. But, alas, it's time to get back to my family, my friends, my new ROOM!;) But leaving a lot of precious memories. But I think I can do it!

So, at church on Sunday, I was wearing my fantastic comfy black dress... you know, this one?



Well guess who was also wearing my same dress on Sunday???

A pregnant lady.

It's not a maternity dress! And of course she looked stunning, and I totally get it cause it's a comfy dress. But all the same. I kinda wanted to wear a sign that said "This is a regular dress!!!"



I know, I know, no one noticed but me...and probably her. But Still! Haha!

Did I Miss Something Here????

Hi Internet,

So, last week my cousin and I were out shopping and we were about to check out and overheard/became part of the following conversation.

2 teenage girl employees talk to one another as a pregnant woman leaves the store...

Girl 1: I am so afraid of being pregnant!

Girl 2: Oh, it's not so bad, I mean at first it's weird, but you get used to it.

Girl 1: I know, but it's like I don't want that to happen.

Me: Well, you do realize that getting pregnant is 100% preventable????

Girl 1: Oh, I mean yeah, but you know?



Sheesh.

I wish these girls would realize what an amazing opportunity motherhood is when the time is right!

That is all I will say about that today.